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I Feel Bad the Girls Got Hurt By All of This. I Think The School Administration Made a Decision"

 

I FEEL BAD THE GIRLS GOT HURT BY ALL OF THIS. 

IT SEEMS THE SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION MADE A DECISION. “

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One text.  That is all I received.  Only one parent had the conviction to step forward and express any heartfelt emotion for these thirteen and fourteen year old girls who were directly hurt by the actions of adults.  

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“It seems the school administration made a decision.”  These words speak volumes.  School administration had a decision to make and they had two options, protect the children or protect themselves.  One would like to think the decision is simple as it should not be and is not a choice.  Employees of the school district are required to follow the policies and procedures set forth by said school district.  It is here the equation becomes complicated and one must factor in the human component.  Deciding between right and wrong, to tell the truth or not, culminating in a David versus Goliath scenario.

 

We have the expectation that these educators are utilizing the district rules to ensure the treatment of all students is fair and without bias.  To ensure that the student’s welfare and well-being are invariable priorities on the path of educational success.  Why then would those that we entrust with our most valuable asset, our children, resort to the extremes of hurting these children as a means of self-preservation?

 

There are always two sides to every situation, to every story.  Strengthened and sustained situations require a source an unstable variable.  Lack of the unstable variable results in self-annihilation of the situation.  Life’s lessons have taught me that when two parties find themselves in a potentially confrontational situation assessing the initial response of each party is critical to ensure a positive outcome.  If only one party’s immediate reaction is a direct hit to the jugular, a paramount choice is necessary.  Engage or retreat.  Retreat by no means an admission of guilt or defeat, but maintenance of integrity and conviction.

 

When choosing retreat one must be prepared for the onslaught of input from the unstable variable.  The aggressive party will seize the unopposed opportunity to fuel the situation, gain victim support and further villainize the absent opponent.  The unstable variable is the only party involved creating and fueling the now fictional situation.

 

Three 8th grade girls were blindsided and became victims of calculated cruelty and betrayal from the people whom they are to respect and trust, their school administration, athletic director and coach.  These same administrators and coaches chose self-preservation over integrity, honesty and accountability.  Most unfortunate perhaps is that the girls are completely aware their demise was choreographed as the means to an end.

 

It is this self-preservation that each of those girls that made the team this season modeled.  For none, not one came forward to express any empathy, any heartfelt emotion towards these harmed girls.  Not one had the integrity to stand up for they knew what had happened was wrong.  In their defense they were modeling the behavior set forth by the coach, administration and their parents. Not one mother had a tiny morsel of integrity to come forth for the girls harmed and what had been committed was wrong. 

 

They knew that a show of solidarity to right the wrong could result in two possible outcomes if successful.  That one or all three of the girls would get their deserved place on the team and that all three were a candidate for Captain.  Ultimately, these girls chose self-preservation.  No one was going to take the chance at losing a spot on the team and no one was giving up a Captain title.

 

The example the coach and administration have set forth and these parents have adopted is to get what you want even if it is at the expense of others. Earning your way is not important.  What is important is that you get to where you want to be, you get what you want even if you did not put in the work to get there, for it is a dog eat dog world.

 

Some of the girls that made the team did step forward in another way.  They stepped forward further tormenting the three girls through social media.  For a full 24 hour period after the tryout results had posted, the same question was repeatedly asked through an anonymous social media site “did you make the cheer team”?  Over and over continuing to hurt them more.  My personal favorites asked  “are you mad at your mother for what she did” and “are you really friends with __________? She probably just feels sorry for you”. My girls deleted those accounts that day.

 

I feel sorry for these heartless mean girls.  Sorry they have deluded themselves with self-glorification and self-promotion.  Sorry that seeing others in pain gives them pleasure.  Sorry that they are hollow, empty and unable to express empathy.  

Sometimes we are required to step forth with the truth so that others will disclose theirs.

Harassment, bullying , and retaliation.  Violation of Federal FERPA Rights by a coach.  Fostering and encouraging a hostile environment.  This is not about ONE incident, but a litany of documented incidents perpetrated, triggered and encouraged by a coach.  A school district employee and coach must exemplify professionalism and encourage a unified strength of team.  We expect that a school district employee and coach understands they must model behavior of good sportsmanship and encourage positive relationships.  Especially in difficult situations as their behavior is what the young student athletes will model in return.

Is it not the expectation is that a school district employee will exemplify professionalism?   Is it not the expectation that a school district employee understands they must model behavior of good sportsmanship and encourage positive relationships?  Is it not their role to encourage student athletes and foster a unified strength of team?  More important is it not the understanding that they are setting by example?

How could these situations been allowed to spiral and gain strength?  How could a coach a revered mentor, in a non-threatening and unprovoked situation make an inappropriate life threatening comment directed at a parent in front of student athletes?

“I wish I had a gun so I could just go over there and shoot her”.

 

A coach and school district employee made this comment to a student.  What did I do to trigger the comment?  I had to have done something to her.

 

First, it does not matter, but I never have.  I have never deviated from following the chain of command for resolution to  legitimate parental concerns.

 

Of all the vocabulary in the English language, this school district employee could not form a more appropriate comment?  How was she was allowed to remain as a school district employee?  Why is this school district employee not being held to the same accountability standards as other school district employees?

 

Is it not the expectation is that a school district employee will exemplify professionalism?   Is it not the expectation that a school district employee understands they must model behavior of good sportsmanship and encourage positive relationships?  Is it not their role to encourage student athletes and foster a unified strength of team?  More important is it not the understanding that they are setting by example?

 

It was distressing to hear that a coach would make such an inappropriate comment amidst such young student athletes.  The student overheard the comment and reported it to her parent.  The parent reported and confirmed the comment along with corroborating details as reported to her by her child directly to the school district/school administrative unit staff.  The parent requested non-disclosure and complete anonymity of her child.  She requested no public attachment between her child and the situation for fear or possible retaliation.

 

 Is this parent’s request for confidentiality of her minor child the avenue the school district and school administrative unit chose to utilize as basis to conclude and report that it was a non-substantiated comment?

 

I must emphasize here that this is not about MY story.  This is and always has been about the girls.    These three young girls who became collateral damage as a result of a sequence of events that I unknowingly set into motion.   I never would have anticipated the extreme measures that school and school district authority figures would resort to in order to eliminate addressing the concerns I raised and the inappropriate behavior of a school district employee as a result of my concerns.

 

Two of the girls compromised by this situation are my daughters. Their calculated demise carefully orchestrated by school athletics and the coach resulting in their exclusion from participation on the cheer team this season.  This was to be their   third year as members of the cheer team in their final year of middle school.

It was not due to lack of skill, experience, or moral fiber that kept them from making the cut but deliberate exclusion.  They were excluded from participating on the team this season because they were MY children and attached to this “situation”.  The coach and school athletics strategy?  Simple.  Removing the participants from the team (concerns raised), automatically removes the parent (situation).

 

The third girl compromised if not evident as of yet, is the girl who overheard and reported the inappropriate comment made by the coach.  But there is another piece to her exclusion from the team.  It has been three months since those tryouts.  Yet this coach continues to makes inappropriate comments attempting to justify what she has done to these girls.

 

Her latest comment was that this third girl did not make the team because of my girls.  This comment came directly from within the current team.  Initially I thought it ridiculous.  Now I believe in its truth.  I believe it is because this girl has moral compass and integrity.   She did not turn her back on my girls because the coach wanted her to.  So she did not become a “favorite”.  That is the game the coach plays.  This third girl also would have been a veteran team member.

 

At this point some background information is necessary.  As you read along, please understand that any subjective reference to moral fiber composition, faith or religious inference is that of and relates solely to the views expressed by our family.  Any stated incident or occurrence is objective as such all supporting and substantiating documentation will be supplied within this post.  All names will be removed to protect the innocent and the “not so innocent”. 

 

My daughters are twins in middle school.  They have always been kind and respectful to all that surround them.  They are not excluding of others as they have never experienced cruel and deliberate exclusion.  They have always been active members within their teams. Those teams have always been a family. They are smart enough to know who is a true friend and who is a true frenemy.  They have had their feelings hurt but they had never been fragile.  They have always been good students.

 

 At age 6, they began training at one of the top All-Star Cheerleading gyms in the country.  They trained there for 6 years.  They competed and were part of five full year All-Star teams and one half year team.   Their teams successfully competed in and placed first in many regional and national competitions across the United States.   After becoming members of the middle school team in 6th grade the girls chose to take a break from All-Star cheer. Choosing to focus on their studies, the school team and advanced tumbling skills.

 

They have received and continue to receive tumbling instruction from many top level 6 gymnasts whom are also level 6 certified tumbling instructors.  These instructors have worked with top international athletes and Olympic team hopefuls. 

We have lived in our town for 19 years. I have three children, am a Registered Nurse with an undergraduate degree from Northeastern University, and a Graduate Degree from Boston University.   It has always been important to live life by trying to be a good Christian.  At times being a good Christian has been easier than others. Sometimes having the best intentions of being a good Christian I’ve landed in some un-Christianly situations, but nothing scandalous.

These situations I have come to understand to be life lessons. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Eventually it all balances out.  Always maintain your strength of conviction, honesty and integrity.  Having the ability to feel and express empathy and understanding of others and strong belief of faith.  These are the critical pieces of my being, of who I am. 

 

It is my faith, my belief of faith that always has and always will be my driving force through life.  For is it not the belief of faith that ultimately drives most of mankind?  The faith to overcome, the faith to challenge, the faith to succeed, the faith to accomplish, the faith to love.  Ultimately and perhaps and most important of all is to have faith in others, faith to believe in others.  

 

That stated, I have always had faith my children’s educators, coaches and school administration.    We entrust our children to these people every single day, one hundred and eighty days a year. Each morning as I send my children off to school I have faith that they will be kept safe, treated fairly and will be protected from harm.  There are endless federal and local rules and safeguards in place to prevent any of these things from happening to our children.

 

Parents having concerns are free to discuss them with the appropriate member of their child’s educational team without limitation or any form of censure. We all have at least one friend who will call the school to make sure their child has a specific teacher, is in a certain classroom and has to be with a certain group of friends?  If her requests are not fulfilled by the school or teacher the enormity of the resulting ramifications may include a cosmic shift or the end of humanity as we all know it .  Not me.  That has never been my style.  My response to this has always been,” I won’t be there to choose your bosses and co-workers, so you need to learn to get along with even the most difficult personalities. “ 

 

The only exception would involve an educator or coach that may cause physical or emotional injury, or place my child in situations where they or other children within the same situation are at increased risk for physical or emotional injury.

With that, it is time that I state what the precipitating factor was that triggered a year of inappropriate behavior and actions toward my girls and myself from a school district employee.  SAFETY.   You are reading that correctly. A year of bullying, retaliation, incessant lies from this coach in order to defame, discredit and harm my girls and myself all because I raised legitimate safety concerns. Safety concerns for the cheerleaders during practice and while they were performing.

As a parent about to question the actions and practices of a coach, I admit that it was the last thing that I ever wanted to do.  I also realized after the second day of watching the cheerleaders perform the same dangerous stunts, that I did not have a choice but to bring my concerns to school administration.  The athletic director had been present for both of the first two games.  Yet the same unsafe stunts were performed directly on a wood floor, without mats.  Several of the stunts in fact, were illegal to perform at the middle school level.  

 

Meanwhile I continued to watch the coach as the girls performed.  Not once did she pay any attention to the cheerleaders when they were performing on the floor or at the sidelines.    The coach remained deep in conversation with friends, or busy chasing after her two very small boys. 

 

In all honesty, rules and regulations aside, it was parental instinct that raised the red flags when I watched the cheerleaders perform.  My immediate reaction was shock.  As a parent, I was shocked at the lack of common sense for basic safety of someone else’s child.  How could this coach not know, not be aware of the enormity of risk for catastrophic injury?  How could common sense not take precedence above all and the safety of the girls not be at the forefront of their performance? 

 

Now you are wondering why I didn’t address my concerns with the coach directly?  I am not a shrinking violet by any means, and I have a concrete and direct style of approach.  Rules are rules, same rules apply to everyone.   I will never make a statement without thorough knowledge of the substantiating facts.  I was about to question the knowledge base, or in this situation, lack thereof, of a coach.

 

I am not a cheer coach.  Surprise. I have never claimed to have the knowledge or experience to be a cheer coach.  Nor have I ever wanted to be a cheer coach.  I have always held revered my children’s coaches with respect and gratitude. I have greatly appreciated their talent, creativity, commitment and dedication. I am forever in debt to every cheer coach my children have ever had as I know each and every one of them were amazingly accomplished and talented and they were amazing instructors and mentors. 

 

This isn’t my first time at the rodeo.  I have been at the big show for a long time, 7 ½ years.  Safety rules and practices have been drilled into my girls and myself from every coach they have ever had.  Safety, safety, safety.

 

 For the 7 ½ years that we have been involved in the sport of cheerleading, this new middle school coach told me that she had been OUT of the Sport of cheerleading.  7 to 8 years OUT of the sport of cheerleading to be exact. The evolution of the sport of cheerleading in the past 8 years has been enormous. National safety organizations have formed.  There are updated education and certification standards/requirements for cheer coaches on the national and state level. There have been hundreds of rules changes. There were 23 major NFHS rules changes for 2012-2013 and 21 major NFHS rules changes for 2013-2014.

There is now a clear delineation of cheer coaches versus tumbling coaches.  Tumbling is a gymnastics skill.  Tumbling is taught by a certified tumbling instructor at a gymnastics or tumbling gym.  

 

My safety concerns were not subjective they were objective and concrete.   Clear cut documented national and state rules and regulations for middle school cheerleading.    There was one obstacle that made me weary and reluctant to directly address my concerns with the coach.  Another parent had a “less than favorable response” from this coach during the recreational season.  My safety concerns were not a personal issue and I did not want it to become one between the coach and my girls or myself.

The next day I met with the school principal.  I agreed to express my concerns only after the school principal promised that my identity would never be revealed.  I then handed him a copy of the AACCA (American Association Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators, www.aacca.org) Safety and Practice Rules. High school and middle schools follow the NFHS (National Federation of High Schools) guidelines that are derived from the AACCA rules and regulations.  In many cases, legal stunts per AACCA are illegal or altered for athletes at the high school and middle school level for added safety.

 

I also had pictures from the game of the previous day.  One of the middle school cheerleaders was thrown into a basket toss 10 feet in the air over a wood floor. The cheerleader thrown into the basket toss had recently been cleared to return to the sport after sustaining a serious concussion resulting from a tumbling pass.  This was her third day back.   (The injury sustained was not related to cheering for the middle school team).

             For the 2012-2013 season as stated in the AACCA and NFHS rules, Basket tosses are illegal at      the middle school level.

As I watched this child being thrown in the air she performed a toe touch basket at the apex and falling into the cradle of the three cheerleaders below.  I could not believe what I was seeing.  Mat rules aside, did this coach not have any idea regarding reintegration of an athlete after a serious concussion?  Guidelines dictate that the post-concussion athlete to reintegrate into the activities of the sport as the brain remains unstable. Statistically after a serious concussion the risk for re-injury increases.  This child was thrown into the air (1), she proceeded to toe touch(2) and extend out(3), which is bending at the waist then snapping out flat, before landing into a cradle below (4).  The numbers represent how many times this child’s brain was sliding as the movements she performed were a sharp “whiplash effect”.  I have added the direct explanation from the Subtle Brain Injury website for further clarification:

 

              Diffuse axonal injury can occur without any direct impact on the head, as it requires only the condition of rapid acceleration/deceleration such as takes place in whiplash injuries due to acceleration/deceleration resulting in rapid flexion-extension movement of the neck. This in turn will cause brain injury shear which means that brain matter is sliding with in the skull and can cause damage - See more at: http://subtlebraininjury.com/brain-injury-shear/#sthash.jCCQBeVy.dpuf

I agree that my clinical background affords me a more extensive knowledge and understanding of the brain.  However, since July 2012 a NFHS mandatory coaching requirement is successful completion of the online concussion course at NFHSlearn.com.  The online concussion course must be completed by all coaches prior to any contact with an athlete.   Concussions, concussion management, concussion syndrome, brain shear and reintegration of the athlete post-concussion are covered and explained within the online course.

 

If a coach is required to take the Concussion In Sports Course prior to contact with an athlete then how could the coach not be aware of proper athlete re-integration process? Simple, the coach never took the course.  Her employment began in November.  The above incidents occurred in November.   This coach took the Concussion In Sports Course on December 10, at the direction of the previous Superintendent and only after I had discovered she had not completed it. 

 

How did I discover the coach had not completed the course?  As my girls and I found ourselves in this typhoon of inappropriate behavior from the coach as retaliation for raising safety concerns. I decided to see what cheerleading safety certifications are required by NFHS for a cheer coach.  My plan was to take the certification courses adding credibility.  I reviewed the NH state requirements and then noticed a “Coach Search “ tab on the web page. I clicked on the tab and inserted the coach’s name. Nothing. Absolutely nothing completed.  Yet I had just read that the concussion course had to be completed prior to contact with an athlete.  The coach did not and does not possess any national cheerleader safety and regulation coaching certifications, does not possess any tumbling instruction certifications.

 

My other concern directly related to safety was that the coach’s small children, who were roughly ages 3 and 5, were at each and every practice.  Several of the cheerleaders stated how they were a distraction.  That the coach was continuously stopping practice to punish them, or that they would play on the mats with their trucks.  At one practice a cheerleader’s tumbling pass had to be mat while she was tumbling.  I referenced to the principal, that the first rule of coaching a cheer team, whether by AACCA and NFHS guidelines is as follows:

           All practice sessions should be supervised by the coach and held in a location suitable for the activities of the cheerleader. (i.e.: use of appropriate mat, away from excessive noise and free from distractions, etc.) The school principal assured me that he would have the athletic director address the safety concerns with the coach. (visit www.cheerrules.org for more information)

My concerns have always has been focused solely on ensuring cheerleading safety guidelines were being followed reducing the potential for catastrophic injury.  I addressed major egregious rules violations, unsafe practices, practicing and instructing out of the scope of practice of her employed position as a cheer coach, practicing and instructing without certification or experience of said levels of instruction.  The most disturbing concern was this coach allowed twelve and thirteen year old team members to practice and instruct peers on skills requiring Level 2 and Level 3 Tumbling certification.

 

Why were the safety concerns I raised disregarded or discounted by middle school athletics, administration and the Superintendent’s office? 

 I take full responsibility for unknowingly setting this series of events into motion.  Everything stemming from addressing legitimate safety concerns, I continue to question it myself.  The situation spiraled out of control and changed the trajectory of these young girl’s lives forever. How did I become the target of a school district employee was making comments about shooting me?  How could school athletics violate my confidentiality and disclose my name to the coach?

That’s correct, my anonymity was not maintained. The athletic director disclosed to the cheer coach which parent raised the safety concerns.  The cheer coach then proceeded to tell a select group of cheerleaders at practice that same afternoon, “X and Y’s mother went to the principal and got me in trouble, so we won’t be doing the basket toss in the competition routine”.  This statement was reported by one of the cheerleaders present.

 

A few days later, another parent informed me that she had to intervene and stop a discussion among several of their 8th grade daughters.  They were cheerleaders on the team and they were discussing several “situations that had occurred” regarding the coach and myself.  The the coach had told these students “I had done A, B, C and D to her, that I was crazy and out of control. That I did not know what I was talking about”.

 

This is where the story becomes interesting.  It is easier to state this in time line form for ease of clarity.  I will change the dates but the time span is exact.

           Monday and Tuesday- cheering during games. Safety issues identified.

           Tuesday after the game- Team Bonding Dinner/Toys for Tots poster making.

           Wednesday- (am) I met with school administration to address Safety                                                      concerns.

           Wednesday- (late am)- AD discusses safety concerns with coach. Discloses                                 my name.

           Wednesday- (am) I stop receiving team emails.

           Wednesday- (pm) coach informs cheerleaders “I got her in trouble.” The                                    girls and coach retaliate against my children on the team.

           Friday- I discover I have not been receiving team emails and three emails

                                 forwarded by another parent.  I notify school administration.

           Friday-(pm)- email is restored to team list.

           Thursday- (am) receive/respond to email from athletic director regarding

                                issues with condition of cafeteria. Informed AD of the events

                                that occurred during the team dinner/Toys for Tots posters.

           Thursday-(pm)- I receive the following email from the cheer coach.

NOTE: During the period from Wednesday to Thursday, I did not call, email, text, see or breath anywhere near this cheer coach.  Zero contact.  I did not speak to anyone in administration or otherwise regarding the cheer or the cheer coach.

My intent was to stay away from the coach and let the situation resolve. She does not handle constructive criticism well.  Here is her email

I have had a lot of parents and girls have issues with collecting toys in the mornings.  The girls have a lot on their plate with school and practice so getting up early and standing outside when no one is even at school yet is unnecessary.  Parents shouldn't have to drive them to school early either.  I think it is sufficient enough to have them collect at games.  

Also, I know you have many complaints about me and my children.  I know everything you say so why don't you just confront me instead of bothering everyone at the school.  Im sure they don't want to hear about your childish antics.  I am a perfectly understandable person and when anyone has an issue (which they have not) I make sure we address it and move on.  You on the other hand decide to go behind my back.  I dont like the way you are slandering my children and myself. I have been nothing but good to yours and everyone elses children that are on my team.  You have no reason to be slandering everything I do.  

You should be happy that your girls have an experienced coach who knows a lot about the sport of cheerleading.  

By the way my children were not in the cafe on Dec X but nice try blaming them for everything.  As far as you scrubbing the tables on your coloring fest.  X and I scrubbed all the tables that the girls accidentally got markers on.  It came right off and it was no big deal.. Y stepped on the poster and got glue on his foot because one of the girls left it on the floor to dry and he did not see it... I wiped it off his foot, again no big deal.  Please stop slandering my FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Let me put things into perspective.  Is this coach aware that she is a school district employee? I am not one of her who-ha’s.  There are boundaries here.  The content of her email confirms that “addressing” safety concerns directly with her would not have had a positive outcome.   So “going behind her back” as she puts it was the better choice.  If the AD had any tact and did not violate my confidentiality this situation would have never occurred.  

What I saw here was a failure to communicate.  We had simply gotten off on the wrong foot.  But this coach is unforgiving and what I was not aware of was what my girls were having to endure on a daily basis at those team practices. 

Shame on the parents and girls that had “issues” with collecting Toys for Tots for 15 or 20 minutes each morning as students exited buses or from drop off and entered the school.  

 For each collected toy, they would hand out a candy cane. I made them candy cane cheer bows and bought oversized Santa bags.   Each cheerleader was assigned two shifts, 30 to 40 minutes in total. 

 As for parents driving their kids to school “early”.   Early in the world of these girls is “on time” for every other student.   Clearly it had been a while since any of these girls had arrived to school on time, because at 7:15, several buses have dropped students off.  At 7:30 the majority of the student body enters the school. 

We live in a fairly affluent town and I am a firm believer in paying it forward.  This coach was obviously upset with me (she was absolutely raving mad and I was never getting off the crazy train), so the best way she saw to resolve the situation was, let me state this eloquently, “let’s punish the poor kids”. 

What can I say about this coach that she hasn’t stated herself already? She is but a stellar example of philanthropy and hands down the best role model for our young teenage girls. 

This is but the first half of the story.  Although the outcome for the girls is stated, there is so much that lead to it. The torture that had to be endured by these three girls on a daily basis as members of that team.  Inappropriate texts, the and emails to me, emails to my girls tumbling coach attempting to change their schedule without my permission or knowledge. The repeated self- glorifying statements, school district cover ups, policemen at my home, a department of education investigation, school board members abusing their discretion during an investigation, attorney intervention on my behalf.  All for what?  Why?  Why is administration going to such extremes?

What are they covering up?

 


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